Prattle of the Five Armies
by silmelinde
Summary: Sil's short version of the Battle of Five Armies. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own no rings of power, dwarves or hobbits, or Tolkien's marvellous creations.

Warnings: A few mild profanities here and there.

* * *

 **Part I**

Smaug: Rawr! Smash! Cartwheels of Doom! It's awesome to be me for many obvious reasons!

Everyone: Let's Panic! The dragon is coming!

Master of Laketown: Quick! Feed all the women and children to it, while I save the gold!

Tauriel: All kids and dwarves have better move it, unless they want Smaug digesting their house with them inside.

Bard: Time for the criminals and unjustly locked away heroes to break out of jail.

Master of Laketown: Row, row, row my gold, gently down the stream!

Bard: Merrily, merrily, merrily, I will strangle him!

Bard proves that you don't have to be Smaug to punch holes in the buildings and escapes the jail. He climbs a tower and tries to shoot Smaug with the regular arrows that fail big time.

Kili: Go Bard! Go Bard! Give me a B!

Tauriel wants to whack him with a paddle for rocking the boat and then reconsiders since he's the love of her life.

Tauriel: To slay a dragon you need 1 bard, 1 bard's kid, 1 prophesy arrow and a few fire trucks, but the fire trucks aren't really necessary, they just have pretty twinkling lights.

Bard's Son: It's time to get swinging! He gets Bard a special prophecy arrow that's way bigger at least.

Smaug: Eyes the kid. Oh thanks, you brought dessert.

Bard: Here's the cherry on top. Shoots Smaug.

Smaug dies and accidentally performs the only good deed in his life by landing on top of the corrupt guy and squishing him. Because of that he doesn't go to Hell like he wanted to.

* * *

Gandalf is muttering to himself, locked in a cage.

Ugly Orc: This is getting on my nerves! Die now!

Galadriel: Pick on someone your own size and preferably smell.

Ugly Orc: Ok, who let the glowing, barefoot lady in here? And how did she walk past the security all alone?

Galadriel: heh heh Who said I'm alone?

Elrond and Saruman step out of the shadows and they look very impressive.

Ugly Orc: Poop. Time to crawl away while the Nazgul deal with this.

Nazgul totally don't deal with this because Saruman and Elrond kick their butt.

Necromancer: Let me interfere.

Galadriel: Go back to your momma. Her appearance changes. She looks like the Necro's mother in law, which freaks him out and he runs away.

Elrond: Not to state the obvious, but lets get him since he's getting away!

Saruman who had completely wussed out during the fight, but no one noticed since they were busy with the scary guys, makes shifty eyes: You two should rest. I'll take care of the glowing guy.

Elrond: So far in every book whenever something goes against my better judgement, it always ends up as a major catastrophe, but if you insist.

* * *

Doom and gloom everywhere. The former Laketown doesn't look so good. Not to mention, the dead dragon is going to stink horribly while it rots, so there's no chance of rebuilding there any time soon. The people are trying to scrap together whatever's left to save.

Alfrid: Quick everyone! Save the most important person in the world - me.

A cute little girl kicks him in the shin and people decide to hang him. The audience wouldn't have been too disappointed had that happened; however, Bard stops the execution since he needs to look heroic.

Alfrid: Yay! Can you be the new guy I grovel in front of?

Bard: Yuck. Don't touch me.

Everyone cheers for Bard because he killed the dragon. He gets a bright idea to go to the Lonely Mountain because that place supposedly has the blankets, although, it's known more as the golden trinkets place.

Kili and the others are planning to cast off in a boat to join Thorin.

Legolas to Mary Sue: I know you want to go out with the dwarf you like, but I want to sneak into this very dangerous place and I don't want you with him, so I'm going to be an ass and order you to come with me, while ignoring my father's orders to join his tea party.

Kili: Nice try, but she won't forget me because I gave her a rock. Girls like rocks.

Bard: Right, lets get on with the movie.

* * *

A Big Orc is leading an army across some flat plains. It must be a very long trip because the army is complaining.

Orc Army: Are were there yet?

Big Orc: No!

Orc Army: Can we kill yet?

Big Orc: No!

Orc Army: Can we have a quick bathroom stop?

Big Orc: Shut up already! The next one to speak will be chopped into warg sushi.

Scary Orc: I don't suppose this is a good time to tell you that I've let the elves get away. Those wusses have tricked me.

Big Orc: Small wonder. The rocks can trick you.

* * *

Thorin and the dwarves are digging through a giant pile of gold, and Thorin is bossing everyone around.

Thorin: My precious! Find it!

It's a pretty big request. Even if Bilbo hadn't gotten to the Arkenstone first, finding a needle in one thousand haystacks would have been easier.

A dwarf: I hate to interrupt the search, but there are hungry and bereft men outside who are hungry and bereft because we've set the dragon loose on their village.

Thorin: Ugh! They should be grateful that we've solved their dragon problem. Quick, build a huge barricade, so those nasty, starving children can't get to our gold!

* * *

The lake people are freezing their butts off on a fine, frosty morning.

Bard to the ever useless Alfrid: I don't suppose you've let an army of elves sneak past you when you were asleep on the watch.

Alfrid: Cross my heart, nope!

He totally did. Luckily, The elves come with food rather than an intention to sneak up on them.

Thranduil: Trading broccoli for ancient heirlooms.

He's better off not knowing that Thorin is trying on his dead wife's necklace as they speak.

Moonlight Necklace: Aww gz, I should have been worn by some elven King's pretty wife, nor drooled on by crazy dwarves.

Bard to Thranduil: The paycheque is in the Lonely Mountain. I can take our mutual bills to the dwarves for you.

Thranduil: Pfff! They still owe me for the past millennia, but I'll let you waste your time.

Bard coughs awkwardly: Right. Let's hope they're in a reasonable mood.


	2. Chapter 2

Yay! These crazy ramblings have gotten a review! I'm sho happie!

* * *

 **Part II**

Bard rides a horse to the negotiations to appear more important. Except, it doesn't work because on the way he gets hit in the face by a crow.

Bard to Thorin: Oh hey, I'm from the men and elves pizza delivery service. I'd ring the doorbell, but it's set break a neck waaay too high. Can you come down where we can talk?

Thorin: Fine, but you tell that Tooth Fairy I'm not at home.

Bard: That Tooth Fairy has a thousand elves at his command who can turn you into a pin cushion.

Thorin: Conversation over.

Bard: What about my tip?

Throin: Since when does anyone tip the thieves?

Bard: Is that what your conscience told you?

Gold: Conscience? You've cheated on me! One of us has to go.

Thorin: Fine, fine. I'll throw the conscience off the wall. Now, get the heck out of here, you elves kisser!

Bard: Bah! We're coming whether you like it or not.

The dwarves make big rocks to fall on top of the bridge to break it in response.

Bilbo: Are you sure that was a great idea? There is an army of elves outside, not to mention angry fishermen. (For some reason the fishermen sound way more scary than the elven army.)

Thorin: Solid sure! Let's get armed for war!

* * *

It's dark and spooky in Erebor, and Bilbo is talking to the acorn because that's the sanest thing around he could find, even if it's literally a nut.

Thorin: Who are you talking to? The Arkenstone you've stolen?!

Bilbo shows him the nut.

Thorin: I used to have a friend like that. His name was Shiny. It was a replica of the Arkenstone made by me as a child.

Bilbo edges away.

Bilbo: Ehm, well, great! Gotta go now. Get ready for bed, brush my teeth and stuff.

Thorin: Hey, wait. I have a sparkly, mithril shirt for you. Try it on when you're not busy.

Bilbo: Yay, pyjamas!

* * *

Not everyone is as lucky that night to get a bed. Legolas and Tauriel are climbing through some Gundabad dirt.

Tauriel: Great. I forgot my toothbrush.

Legolas: You can use mine.

Tauriel: Rejected!

Legolas is about to sigh sadly when a bunch of huge bats zoom past them.

Legolas: They've messed up my hair!

Tauriel: Shhhh! Can't you see a scary orc is about to make a speech?

Scary Orc to one zillion orcs that come out of the stronghold: The first one to kill an elf, man or dwarf will get a free tour around the dead marshes and an extra portion of the mould and Mordor rocks stew for breakfast!

Orcs: Woooot! Let's go!

Legolas to Tauriel: I'll race you back to my father.

* * *

Back in the camp, the people of x-Laketown are having a marshmallows party and Alfrid is bossing them around.

Alfrid: No, no! Use the pointy end!

He sees someone dodgy hobble into the camp.

Alfrid to Gandalf: Hey you! Haven't you read the signs? No bums allowed!

Gandalf: I'd turn you into a toad, but that may improve your appearance. Now where's Thranduil?

He looks very scary indeed because Alfrid who had no clue to this point where Thranduil is, points in the right direction.

Gandalf strolls into Thranduil's tent where the King is drinking his best wine. Thranduil is disappointed that he didn't get to hide it before the wizard came, but doesn't offer him any, anyway.

Gandalf: Although, you aren't planning to share, I've come to warn you that a swarm of orcs is about to pay you an unofficial visit. And they don't wipe their feet or knock before entering your royal tent.

Thranduil: The dwarves must really owe you if you're still trying to save their hides. Anyway, I've already promised pizza to anyone who shoots anything suspicious on that dwarf wall and I won't change my orders.

Gandalf: I can't yet decide who wins the obstinacy award: you, the dwarves or the jackass outside.

* * *

Thorin, however, still wins the award since he's doing a spectacular job inheriting his grandpa's crazies along with the gold.

Thorin to everyone who listens: Just because we're preparing for war, doesn't mean you can slack off! Get back to looking for the jewel! Anyone who hides it from me, will have their next baby named Thranduil.

All dwarves gasp in horror.

Old dwarf: Sob. That was mean.

Bilbo: If somebody, who so entirely isn't me, were to find the stone, would it scare away the crazies?

Old dwarf: Would it help if you poured nitroglycerin into the fire?

Bilbo: Nitrowhat?

Thorin: hehehehehe

Bilbo: Never mind. Did I mention that I still need to brush my teeth?

He shuffles away awkwardly to sneak into the elven camp. Luckily for him, the archers must have been taking the watch lessons from Alfrid because they neglect to shoot Bilbo who climbs out of Erebor in full view in the middle of the night.

He finds Gandalf and tugs his cape.

Gandalf: Gasp! A rat!

Bilbo: Nope. I have something shiny to give to the guy in charge.

Gandalf: I hope it's not a hairpin.

He takes Bilbo to the King who is still drinking wine. At this point Thranduil isn't sure he sees everything right, so he tries to guess what else the wizard dragged into his tent.

Thranduil: Is this the guy who stole the keys from my guards?

Bilbo: Actually, the guards have lost them to me in rock, paper, scissors.

Guards: Facepalm.

Thranduil: WHAT?

Guards: Thanks a lot, Bilbo. We're so fired.

Bilbo: Err, sorry guys. I'll distract him with a shiny rock I've dragged away from Erebor. It's mine and all, but Thorin may kill me for it because by my 1/14th share of the treasure he probably meant some sparkly hairpins.

He unwraps the Arkenstone.

Thranduil: Wowzer! You're my best friend now.

Bilbo: Um...thanks. I guess we don't have to kill the dwarves now since Thorin would trade his grandmother for this rock?

Gandalf: Ahem, while we're still in a semi-reasonable mood, how about we address another issue that the orcs are about to kill us all?

Thranduil rolls eyes: Right... And where are your orcs? I don't suppose they're digging their way here underground. We stick with my plan and attack in the morning if the dwarves don't agree to trade.

Gandalf: Riiight... if you say so.


	3. Chapter 3

Guest *shocked gasp* Legolas a Mary Sue? Whatever gave you that idea, his utter indestructible-ness or pretty hair?

Guest I wouldn't be surprised if the Old Dwarf drank some of it in childhood. I mean, come on a gulp or two couldn't hurt. ehehe Some loophole there, maybe Bilbo is so special no one ever sees him, especially after the elves drink wine.

* * *

 **Part III**

It's a bright and shiny morning when Thranduil and Bard decide it's a good idea to ride within an arrow shot of a dwarf crazed with gold. So, Thorin shoots them, but misses.

The arrow makes a nasty clang against the ground that doesn't get along with a hangover plus the sharpened elven senses. Thranduil makes a face that gets mistaken by Thorin for a smirk.

Bard: Thanks for settling your debt with us with the shiniest rock from your mountain. Since we're way nicer than you deserve, we're willing to trade it for the stuff we want.

Thorin: Do you mind throwing that arrow back? It's not yours. You must have dreamt up some rock and your dreams sure are dull.

Bard shows him the Arkenstone.

Thorin: Pffff! I've made better fake copies when I was five years old. Do you think I wouldn't recognise the King's jewel?

Bilbo: *cough cough* Uhm... maybe not? It's real after all. I gave it to them.

Thorin: Throw him off the wall!

Wall: What am I, a garbage dispenser? Why is everything thrown down me all the time?

Gandalf in his scary voice: Haven't you mother taught you better manners than throwing things off the wall?

Thorin lets go of Bilbo who uses this chance smartly to get away.

Thranduil: Are you going to trade or cry all day?

Thorin: My cousin will make you cry.

A rather impressive dwarf army appears with a bearded guy in charge who is riding a hog. The hog looks at Thranduil's hair and wonders whether he'll be allowed to eat the straw after the fight.

Thorin's Cousin: Would you mind if I smash your head with a hammer unless you let me pass?

Thranduil: Would you mind if I weave daisies into your beard unless you go home to your mother?

Neither thinks those insults were particularly witty, so the elves and the dwarves decide to kill each other.

Earth-eaters: Surprise!

Big Orc: Do the signal!

Signalling Orc: Happy Birthday?

Big Orc facepalms: Just pull that rope!

Signalling Orc: Oh right, right, right.

Orcs: Time to kill everyone!

The dwarves completely ignore the fight they've almost started, like there isn't a chance the elves would stab them in the back, and hurry off to kill some orcs.

Gandalf: Bilbo, you sure are standing in a wrong place.

Bilbo: In the middle of a huge battlefield?

Gandalf: Nope. On my foot.

Thranduil: I can't care less about this fight. WAIT... did those orcs trample my favourite daffodils on the way here? CHARGE!

* * *

There is a huge fight going on and Bard has misplaced his family again. So, he's running around looking for them.

Some woman: I've seen them at the marketplace getting mauled by a troll.

Bard grabs a cart and pushes it down the hill to get there faster. He performs a cool trick where he nearly runs over his kids with the cart and then stabs the troll dead.

Bard to his family: You should be hiding!

Alfrid who knows every letter in the book about hiding: I heroically volunteer to help everyone run for shelter! And it's not like I don't plan on rejoining the fight or anything.

Bard: Right...I'm not sure you were in the fight in the first place, but go ahead.

While no one is impressed with Alfrid's fighting, everyone is impressed with the dwarves and elves fighting. Everyone is having a totally awesome fight. Everyone loves the epic Reindeer!

Random Orc9979 to Orc14114: Why is the Tooth Fairy angry?

Thranduil: I'm not a... never mind. I was going to cut off your head anyway.

A random elf shoots the Orc9979 and it dies. Thranduil pouts.

Random elf: Oh poop. I'm so demoted.

* * *

Meanwhile, Thorin is going nuts.

Gold: Mwahahaha! Mwahaha!

Thorin: Shut up already. I don't even like you.

Gold: Do too!

Thorin: Do not!

Gold: Do too!

Thorin: Do not!

PJ: CUT!

Thorin: Ha! I win!

Kili: If I don't kill some orcs NOW, I'm going to stage a mutiny!

Thorin: Then, we better kill some!

Dwarves: Awesome!

A giant bell impressively smashes down the barricade and the dwarves heroically run outside to face the orcs. Although, Thorin's and his cousin's hugs are nice, their plan 100% sucks. The orcs are so not going to run away since they still outnumber everyone 500 to 1.

Luckily, the goats have a better plan.

Goats: Hey guys, how about we take you up that mountain and you kill the head orc?

Thorin: Deal!

* * *

The fight isn't going so well for the good guys anymore. The women figure that they'll be dead anyway and start grabbing random objects to fight the orcs.

Alfrid: Carry on, everyone! I'll do the most important deed and save the gold!

Legolas arrives in the middle of the fight.

Leoglas to Gandalf: I know it's your job to bring the bad news, but there's another orc army coming and they're heading for that tower.

Bilbo: Ack! It's not like Thranduil will help or anything. I better go tell Thorin that he and the goats are about to walk into a trap.

He's so right. Alfrid isn't the only one who is planning to bail on the fight.

Thranduil to his general: Have we avenged the daffodils?

General: Yup.

Thranduil: Let's get out of here.

Tauriel: I'll just threaten to kill you because I have a bow and I think I know better than you what's good for everyone.

Thranduil impressively cleaves the bow in two with a polished sword that could have been very useful later on for Tauriel to shoot a real ugly orc that planned to kill her bf.

Thranduil: How rude. Why is everyone trying to stick arrows into my face today? Maybe I should kill you for being so impudent.

Legolas: Yeah, go ahead, dad. It's not like I'll hate you for the rest of my life or anything if you kill the love of my life. Anyway, it would have been better to have the elven army, but I guess I'll go kill the other orc army all on my own.

He and Tauriel hurry off to save the dwarves who really are in big trouble because the Big Orc has just thrown Fili off the cliff. The audience shares a shocked gasp and then cheers for Kili to take on the second orc army all on his own to avenge his brother.

Whelp, good luck to you, Kili, in the next chapter, though this one was kinda a spoiler.


	4. Chapter 4

Guest *high five* Thanks for the thumbs up!

* * *

 **Part IV**

Bilbo runs as fast as he can, managing to get to Thorin when the tower is completely surrounded. So, his warning is kinda late. A Scary Orc bonks him over the head with a massive mace for his trouble and Bilbo gets to see a real disturbing dream where Lobelia is stealing his silver spoons and strip-dancing on his table, while everyone is fighting.

Thorin is also horrified by Fili's death, but he still thinks his plan is the best idea ever; although, he's pretty much loosing because the Big Orc kicks him down the stairs into an ice ring and orders that big orc army dangling around to flail him alive.

Legolas: Me to the rescue!

Sil admits that Leggy gets to do the absolute best acrobatic tricks in every movie as he flies a bat up a tower and shoots orcs from it, saving Thorin's hide.

Bat: #% #%

Not everyone is a great fighter like Legolas. In fact, some lose out in usefulness even in comparison to a pile of goo. Alfrid is running away, jiggling an enviable cleavage.

Random troll that spots Alfrid: PINATA! XD

Bard shoots the troll.

Alfrid: No gratitude for you!

He runs off to be a pest in the nearest town that's a hundred kilometres away, much to everyone's relief.

* * *

Everything now is really sucky because the scary orc stabs Kili dead. Legolas jumps a hundred meters off a tower like his neck is unbreakable and makes some troll bash it down, so he can use it as a bridge to get to the scary orc since the later had crossed Kili off the kill list and is trying to make Tauriel dead as well.

While the scary orc is teaching Legolas how to defy gravity, Thorin is teaching the big orc how to make ice smoothies.

Thorin: That's right, if you use a huge rock to bash the ice around you in a circle, you'll get the best punch.

The Great Eagles appear, wearing these cool shady sunglasses with the hard rock playing in the background. They drop a huge Bear on top of the second orc army, which they mutually begin to obliterate. The good guys are suddenly winning.

Beorn: All right! Fresh meat!

Big Orc: wth! I'm so not sharing my smoothie with the eagles!

Thorin: heh heh Here, have all the drink you want! He tosses the rock at the big orc who catches it very helpfully and with that tips the ice-floe. He ninjas his way underneath the ice and stabs Thorin in the toe. They have a very dramatic stand off with the weapons crossed.

Big Orc: You tried to steal my smoothie!

Thorin: I did more than that. I lied about the smoothie recipe!

Big Orc: NOOOOOO!

They stab each other. Thorin does is better, sticking the sword not only through the big orc's body, but also through the ice where a random fish gets poked in the tail and shakes its fin at them.

The Big Orc dies. Thorin stumbles to the edge of the frozen cliff and looks below where the dwarves have reclaimed Erebor and the orc armies are getting whipped by the eagles. So, he figures it's a good time to die.

Bilbo comes out of the big mace-hit-head coma and finds Thorin. Bilbo crawls to him because he slips on the ice and lands on his butt.

Bilbo: Hey wait, you can't die! You haven't broken ALL my plates yet!

Thorin: Oh noes! Before we left, I forgot to turn off the stove. D:

Bilbo: Don't worry, we'll use your share of the treasure to pay off the gas bills.

Thorin: And light.

Bilbo: No!

Thorin: And water.

Bilbo: I hope we have enough treasure for all of that.

Thorin dies.

PJ: Ok, sad moment. Everyone cries.

Audience: Sob. Sob.

* * *

Thranduil is desperately searching the ruins: Oh mah Gawd! Where's my son?

Legolas: Dad, you don't have to check the trash urns. :(

Thranduil: Who said I'm checking anything? I'm just having a casual stroll.

Legolas: And I was just going to leave my homeland because I don't want to talk to you.

Thranduil: Oh, you're going to the neighbours to play? Go play with Strider. He's father was good enough for me to mention.

Legolas: Who's that?

Thranduil: I'll only give you five of his names out of eleven. The rest you'll figure out yourself.

Legolas: Fine. Say hi to mom for me if her hallucination visits you.

The hallucination doesn't visit Thranduil, but he does get a case of deja vu when he finds Tauriel who is uncontrollably sobbing over Kili's dead body. The elves share a sad face moment.

For them both in the background the lyrics are playing:

It must have been Loooove,

But, it's over now.

* * *

Bilbo is preparing to sneak out of Erebor and go home.

Bilbo: I hope I don't find Lobelia at my house.

Gandalf: I duno about Lobelia, but there are dwarves stalking you.

Bilbo: I don't know what to say. I guess by the next year I'll somehow manage to replenish all the food you've eaten.

Dwarves: Don't worry, we'll be there to eat it again.

Gandalf: Ok, hugs and we go home.

It takes three movies for them to walk to Erebor and one second to get back. Wow, the road really does go faster when you're getting back.

Bilbo: Whelp, thanks for taking a few hundred miles detour from your destination to walk me and the ring home, I mean just me and no ring, the ring I've lost waaay back when, absolutely no ring here.

Gandalf: Don't worry, I'll come check on you and your absolutely no ring once every sixty years.

They say goodbyes and Bilbo at last runs home where Lobelia sure as sure is stealing his silverware. They play a tug of war and Bilbo wins his spoons back.

Bilbo: At least she's not on the table.

All the Hobbits: Who's that crazy guy fighting with Lobelia?

They all know who he is, but the villagers are very disappointed since now they can't get freebie stuff.

Auctioneer: You need some signed paper to prove who you are or we'll lock you up in a basement with cabbages for stealing the identity of the dead guy.

Bilbo: I'm the burglar! Err... I mean here is a piece of paper that proves who I am. Now, get off my lawn and quit ransacking my house!

He shuts the door and teleports to the future where Frodo already exists.

Gandalf: Here and once again, say hello to your very old friends.

 **The End.**

* * *

Whelp, that's all folks! Raise your hands in the air and say 'Aye!' if you have enjoyed the story! XD


End file.
